mothering boys: October 2009 Archives

I thought I'd dodged a bullet. I thought Liam's question about "why does a mommy have another baby" question was only a thinly veiled complaint: why did you visit this fresh hell called Caleb on my heretofore idyllic existence?

I was wrong. I hadn't dodged a bullet, I'd only delayed being hit. After I told him that people often had more than one child and that sometimes only children were lonely, he got to the heart of things:

Liam: How? How does the baby get inside her?

Me (dammit): Well, the woman has eggs inside her--

Liam, hysterically laughing: Like she's a chicken?

Me: Well, no, not with a shell or anything.

L: Wouldn't that be funny if in a million years or so there were invaders from space and they ate only human eggs, wouldn't that be funny? I mean, sort of funny but really pretty bad, too?

Me: Funny? I don't know about that -
 
L: Where is the egg?

Me (deep breath): In the uterus, which is inside the woman, sort of lower than her tummy--

L: What's a woombah?

Me: What? Oh, a w-o-m-b?

I explain--very briefly--that wombs and uteruses (uteri?) are both part of the baby-growing process, and realize that my knowledge of my own anatomy is shockingly--shockingly--vague.

Liam: What happens to the egg?

Me (persistent little bugger, isn't he?):  Well, the egg is fertilized with sperm from a man and then the baby grows inside. 

Wait for it, wait for it...

Liam: How?

Shit ... here we go...

Me: Well, when the people love each other very much it can feel very good to be close to each other and then sometimes they decide to make a baby together, but not always. 

Yes, yes, that's right, I did a TOTAL END RUN around the key details.

Liam, thoughtful, sinks under the water in the tub and blows some bubbles. Emerges: Where does the sperm come from?

I am exhausted. This is the longest bath ever in the history of baths. 

Me:  It comes from a man's penis--

Liam, panicked: WHAT?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN???

Me (confused): Well, sperm is inside the man's body, when you get older, and it comes out - sort of like pee, you know?

Liam, calmer: Oh. Okay. I thought you had to get it off the penis or cut the penis off or something-

Nice job, mom. let's get that therapist lined up, shall we? Can you say castration anxiety?

Me: No, no, when you're older--then you'll have sperm. And sometimes it will come out even when you're sleeping, like during a dream. It's just part of your body getting ready to be a grownup.

This detail led to some technical discussion about penile plumbing that I shan't go into here--suffice it to say that there were analogies to garden hoses without water and garden hoses with water, and then we pressed onward, into literally murkier waters (it was a LONG bath).

Liam, laughing: What if you don't have an egg? Do you get a mad scientist to concoct one?

Me: Well, actually, yes--I mean, not a mad scientist but--

Liam: Wow. Do you need a man and a woman to have a baby?

Me: Um...you need the sperm, but that can happen in lots of different ways. So if a man loves a man, or a woman loves a woman, or a man and a woman love each other, they can have a baby; or if just a man or just a woman want to have a baby, that can happen too. 

(Desperately inventorying all the families we know: have I included all the various permutations of parenthood and familyhood? This conversation was a hell of a lot easier in the Betty Draper era, when families pretty much came in only one basic model.)

Liam finally climbs out of the bath, demurely covering himself in a towel. I take a deep breath, figuring we're on the other side of the difficult bits of the conversation.

Liam: Mommy? What does gay mean?

You're killing me, kid. I explain what gay means and then say that people often use the word as an insult and he nods, names a kid who is a bit of a bully and uses the word all the time, to be nasty.

Liam: But why would anyone care about gayness, mommy?

Me: I don't know, sweetie, they just do.

Liam: I think I would like to have a baby. When I'm older, I mean. I mean, kids are fun, right?

Me: Mmmm, yep, just loads of fun.  

Liam leans close to me and I reach to hug him, sure that he's feeling all listened to and supported and understood after our Deep and Important Conversation.

Mommy, he whispers, can I use the computer now?

I knew it was coming. There'd been some observations, a comment or two...things were definitely percolating in his almost-nine-year old head. In preparation, I  had gotten a book or two from the library, asked friends how they'd handled it.  I wanted to be ready - but then, just like death after a long illness, when it actually happened I wasn't really ready at all.

There we were, at the dermatologist's office, having her look at some skin discolorations on Liam's face, and while she was checking something in her computer, Liam popped the question, with no introductory remarks, no prefatory throat clearing, just jumped in:

So how does a woman get a baby inside her?

I saw the doctor's head swivel towards me, then back to her computer, and it occurred to me that I could just punt: ask her to answer the question.  She is, after all the medical professional, and maybe she could even pull out a few charts and an anatomically correct mannequin.

But no, no, that wouldn't do.  We're supposed to, you know, be all patient and wise about this stuff, right?  I'm not supposed to let on that the very thought of my child--that sweet little body--getting all sexed up makes me want to cringe--and collapse in wild laughter. So I just said that when we were somewhere more private, I'd be glad to answer that question and we went on with the dermatologist visit.  And I can't swear to it, but I swear I heard the doctor chuckling as she left the examination room.

A week or so passed and I thought maybe The Question had gotten buried under homework and soccer practice and what-to-be-for-Halloween, but then one night when Liam was in the bath:

So mom, remember that question I asked you at the doctor's office?

I nod, knowing what's coming.

L: What's the answer?

I feint: "well, what do you know? What have you heard about how this happens?"

Liam: Nothing. I mean, basically nothing.

Me, following the instructions I read about in a really useful book called From Diapers to Dating (thanks, Carolyn, for the suggestion): so you want to know how a woman gets a baby inside her?

Liam: Well, I mean, once a woman has a baby, why would she have another one?

Fabulous, I think. We're not dealing with actual SEX here, we're just dealing with sibling rivalry. Piece o'cake.  I mouth a few platitudes about people liking to have a big family, and about how having a sibling can mean that you've always got someone to play with, even if they're sometimes aggravating, and so you don't have to be lonely--
 
Liam: So that's why anyone who is an only child has a gameboy, right? 

I nod, sure that I've dodged the sex-talk bullet.  But there is more to come, my friends, more to come.  It was a very long bath.